Why Do I Avoid Texting People Back? Is It an ADHD Thing?

I have messages on Instagram right now that I haven’t opened.

Not because I didn’t see them.

I saw them.

I just don’t want to open them.

Because once I open the message, they’re going to see that I saw it. And now I feel like I have to respond.

Sometimes I open it anyway and still don’t respond.

And sometimes, if I’m being completely truthful, I don’t even want to see what they said.

I don’t dislike the person. I’m not mad at them. They didn’t do anything wrong.

I just know the conversation is probably going to feel forced on my end, and for some reason even thinking about what I’m supposed to say back feels tiring.

Sometimes we’re talking about a response that requires almost nothing.

A “lol.”

A 😂.

That’s it.

And apparently even that can become something I don’t want to do.

But Put the Right Person on My Phone…

Here’s what makes this weird:

I’m not bad at texting.

If it’s someone I’m genuinely excited to talk to, I’m waiting for their message.

When that message comes in?

I’m texting back immediately.

There’s no I’ll get to it later.

There’s no staring at the notification.

There’s no suddenly being too tired to type three words.

I want to talk to that person, so I respond.

Which makes it kind of ridiculous that I can also have another person’s message sitting there unread for four days.

Same phone.

Same Instagram.

Same little notification.

Completely different reaction.

Somehow, Texting You Back Became an Errand

This is probably the best way I can describe it.

Sometimes responding to a message doesn’t feel like talking to somebody.

It feels like something I have to do.

I’ll see the message and think:

Shit. I need to text them back.

That’s different from:

Oh, let me talk to them.

The second I start thinking I need to text them back, it’s become a task.

And once my brain puts it in that category, I can procrastinate on it like anything else I don’t feel like doing.

I’ll do it later.

I’ll respond when I have more energy.

I’ll answer after I finish whatever I’m doing.

Meanwhile, the actual response might be six words.

Or worse.

A fucking emoji.

That’s what makes it so ridiculous.

It isn’t necessarily that I don’t care about the person. The interaction itself has started feeling like an obligation.

And every time I see their name again, I’m reminded of the thing I haven’t done yet.

Congratulations. You’ve somehow joined laundry and making appointments on my mental to-do list.

Sometimes Even a Fake “LOL” Feels Like Work

There are people I like who I don’t necessarily feel like talking to.

Someone sends me a meme.

I see the notification.

And instead of thinking, Oh shit, let me see what they sent me, I’m thinking:

Ehhh. I’ll look at it later.

Because I already know what’s probably coming next.

I’ll open it.

I’ll watch it.

Then I’ll have to figure out what to say.

Maybe it wasn’t even that funny.

Now I’m sitting there deciding between:

“lol”

“😂”

or the slightly more convincing:

“😂😂😂”

Apparently I’m acting now.

And I know that sounds stupid. It takes two seconds to send an emoji.

But it’s not really the emoji.

It’s the interaction.

Because sending that emoji might not end the conversation.

Now we’re talking.

Now there’s another message.

Then another response.

And if I already wasn’t interested in having the conversation, I don’t particularly want to start a conversation I’m going to have to keep responding to.

So sometimes I don’t open it at all.

The Read Receipt Makes It Worse

As long as I haven’t opened the message, there’s still some breathing room.

But once I open it?

Seen.

Well, shit.

Now they know.

And if I don’t respond, they know I saw their message and didn’t respond.

So somehow the easiest option becomes not opening the message in the first place.

Which is pretty funny when you think about it.

I’m avoiding the pressure of responding to a message…

by creating a message I’m eventually going to feel even more pressure to respond to.

Excellent system.

Then There Are the Messages I Actually Wanted to Answer

This is where it gets more frustrating.

Sometimes I actually do want to talk to the person.

I see their message.

I don’t respond right then.

I’ll answer later.

No big deal.

Except apparently “later” is not an actual time.

A day goes by.

Then another day.

Now it’s been four days.

And suddenly the problem isn’t:

What do I say back?

It’s:

How the hell do I open this conversation again after not responding for four days?

Now I feel guilty.

Something that would’ve taken me 30 seconds has somehow turned into this whole thing.

And now that it feels like a whole thing?

I want to deal with it even less.

Which obviously helps.

Sometimes I Already Started the Response, Just Not on My Phone

There’s another version of this I do all the time.

I’ll read the message and immediately start planning my response in my head.

I’ll respond with this…

Then I think about what I want to say.

Maybe I figure out how I want to word it.

I’ve started doing the work of responding.

There’s just one small problem.

I haven’t actually responded.

The entire response is still sitting in my head.

I still have to go back to the message, type the thing I already thought about and actually hit send.

Sometimes that happens.

Sometimes it doesn’t.

And now I’ve somehow had part of a conversation with someone who wasn’t even there.

Why Does ADHD Make This Difference Feel So Huge?

This is the part that started making more sense to me after learning about ADHD.

Interest matters a lot.

There’s a way of describing ADHD that psychiatrist William Dodson calls an “interest-based nervous system.”

The way I understand that idea is much simpler:

My brain seems to care a hell of a lot more about whether something is interesting right now than whether I know it’s important.

That explains a lot about my phone.

If I’m excited about the person I’m talking to, responding doesn’t feel like something I have to make myself do.

I’m already there.

I’m interested.

I’m engaged.

I’m waiting for the response.

But once a conversation starts feeling like an obligation?

Now I have to get myself to do it.

That’s when:

I’ll answer later.

starts sounding like a fantastic idea.

And later is dangerous territory for me.

“I’ll Do It Later” Is Where Things Go Wrong

The notification is actually helping me while it’s sitting right there on my screen.

There is the message.

I can see it.

I know I need to answer it.

If I respond right then, we’re good.

But if I decide I’ll do it later, I’m taking a gamble.

I put my phone down.

I start doing something else.

Another notification comes in.

I go back to whatever I was doing.

And eventually that message isn’t sitting at the front of my brain anymore.

Then at some random point later:

OH SHIT. I never texted them back.

Except now enough time has passed that responding feels weird.

So the task has changed.

Yesterday’s task was:

Respond to message.

Today’s task is:

Figure out how the hell to respond after disappearing for four days.

Fantastic.

And Sometimes I Didn’t Forget

This is the other side of it.

Sometimes the message gets buried and I forget.

Other times?

I know damn well it’s there.

I’ve seen the notification.

I’ve thought about responding.

Maybe I’ve already written half the response in my head.

And I still don’t do it.

Because at some point it stopped feeling like a conversation and became something sitting on my mental to-do list.

The longer it sits there, the worse that gets.

And when it’s somebody I actually care about, now guilt gets added to it too.

That’s when a stupid little message can start feeling way bigger than it ever needed to be.

What I’m Trying to Do Differently

The biggest thing for me is trying not to turn a tiny response into a bigger task than it already is.

Especially when it’s somebody I actually want in my life.

If I waited four days, I don’t need to come back with a five-paragraph explanation.

Sometimes:

My bad 😂 I meant to respond to this days ago.

is enough.

I don’t need to prepare a statement for the media.

And if I have the message open and I already know what I want to say, that’s probably the best time to actually type the damn thing instead of telling myself I’ll come back to it later.

Because I know where later can lead.

I still have unread messages sitting there right now.

I’ll get to them later.

Probably.